


The Groose Chronicles: Comb of Time

by 5DJTwitch5



Category: The Legend of Zelda (Video Game 1986), The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
Genre: Adventure, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, OOC, Parody, extreme OOC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9774389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5DJTwitch5/pseuds/5DJTwitch5
Summary: When Zelda disappears and a primal evil rises to power in the world below Skyloft, five brave heroes with varying agendas answer the call!





	1. Chapter 1

**PROLOGUE**

_A long time ago,_ _**Hylia** _ _, the youngest sister of_ _**Din, Farore, and Nayru** _ _, ruled over the new Earth after her sisters created it. She was called "Her Grace" by her chosen people, the Hylians._

_As the races of the world lived together in peace, a great evil rose from the Underworld; The Demon King **Demise**. He waged war against Hylia and the world with a vast army of demons, destroying everything he laid his eyes upon.  
_

_As the battle heated up, Hylia took a desperate measure to save the surviving Hylians and raised parts of the land into the sky, giving them refuge in the clouds. This floating archipelago was called **Skyloft**. _

_Eventually, Demise was brought to his knees and pushed back to the Underworld with his followers where they were to be sealed off forever._

_However..._

_Even though the war was over, Skyloft remained where it was. Generations passed, and those who dwelt on Skyloft became largely ignorant of the world below them, knowing that they are safe from it's chaos.  
_

_This is how the story has been told, but the truth is... very few know what really happened those many years ago. Fewer still know why it happened..._

* * *

**STORY BEGIN**

_It was another beautiful morning in Skyloft. Clouds of smog blew about the air in harmony, masses of garbage and waste flowed through the town's water like synchronized swimmers, and the sounds of construction and heavy industry bellowed like music along with the sounds of the birds gasping for clean air._

_What also was beautiful was Skyloft's star citizen; his name was **Groose**. He was their very own North Star, the crown jewel, the cream of the crop, the center piece, the center FOLD ;), the black sheep... except in a good way...? Well you get the picture. Anyway... umm, where is he?  
_

"He's not coming out of his room. There was a race earlier and Groose lost because some d-bag named Link cheated." Strich said matter-of-factly.

"Well we'll have to go get him! What kind of boring sack of crap would this story be if Groose wasn't in it?" Cawlin replied.

And so Cawlin and Strich began their journey to their friend's room. After a while, they realized they were already at his door in the first place, so they turned around and made their way back.

Now they are back at Groose room.

Yes, even the mightiest of heroes fall into pits of doubt and despair, this was evident to Strich and Cawlin when they entered the door to see Groose bawling loudly and uncontrollably, something they didn't hear earlier for some reason...

**"WAAAAAAAA W-W-WHERE DID I GO WRONG! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"**

_Even the coldest of hearts melt at the sight of such raw emotion. I'm fighting back tears... m-m-myself..._

"Come on man, she ain't good enough for you. You don't need some dumb bimbo like her." Cawlin said, trying to comfort his fallen friend.

"Umm, Cawlin..."

Before Strich could stop Cawlin from going too far, he saw Groose throw his purple haired accomplice into the wall, leaving behind a new hole.

"Are you kidding?! Zelda's the most beautiful girl in town, I swore that I would have her when we first met two weeks ago, and she would be all over my muscly body if it wasn't for that pipsqueak Link!" Groose declared, finding newfound confidence from the sound of his own voice.

* * *

** STATUE OF THE GODDESS **

_Well until Groose is ready to start, let us shift the focus to the little jerk himself; Link, who after cheating, got to meet the dumb bimbo- I mean, serene and beautiful Zelda on top of some giant statue thingy._

_Well, we're already late, so we'll have to watch from down here._

"Congratulations Link, I knew you could do it!" Zelda said cheerfully.

Link simply stared unamused at Zelda until she handed him a piece of cloth with some sort of design on it. Link blankly eyed it for a few seconds.

"...That's my prize?"

"Yes." Said Zelda "It's the Sailcloth. Legend says that it once belonged to a..."

Link stopped listening right about there. He was still disappointed in his prize after he went through all that trouble cheating- I mean, winning the Loftwing race.

( _Looks like it's you and me tonight, right hand_ )

When Zelda, half knowing that Link wasn't paying attention, was finished, she stepped over to the edge of the platform, gesturing Link to do the same.

The two looked out at the sky for a while until Zelda slowly stepped back. Link felt awkward.

"Wait, what are we doing- **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH** "

Zelda pushed him straight off the edge. As Link fell down, he accidentally held the Sailcloth to catch the air and act as a parachute, slowing his fall until he touched the ground.

When the shock wore off, Link got a little angry.

" **ZELDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA** " He screamed.

Zelda's sadistic giggling stopped as she heard Link stomping back up to the top, shouting a rainbow of obscenities at her. _I'd write what he was saying, but we want to keep this rewrite T rated, so let's show some class._

"Link, what are you- **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH** " Was all Zelda could say before Link tossed her off the tower... and off of Skyloft itself...

"NEED A PARACHUTE?!" Link shouted down as he tossed the Sailcloth down at her.

_Well that will never reach her in time, so she's as good as dead now. Great, day 1 and we already have a fatality, that's a record for us..._

* * *

**SKYLOFT**

_Realizing what he had done, Link left the scene before anyone showed up. He decided to innocently walk around town and hope nobody approaches him with questions._

But someone _was_ approaching him alright. It was...

...

...

**DUMBLEDORE!**

...oh wait, I mean- **GROOSE AND HIS GANG!**

"Well well well. If it isn't ol' Link." Groose said, towering over Link.

"Go away Groose, I'm not in the mood..." Link said, not in the mood.

"What's the hurry? off to see Zelda?" Cawlin Accused.

"Uhh... no." Denied Link

"What's the matter, still having girl problems? Well I understand, we can't ALL be lady pleasers. In fact, she was probably disappointed that you "won" the race." Groose said, easily getting under Link's skin already.

"Well it's your fault for not seeing it coming, did you think I would be above dirty tactics?" Bragged Link.

"I see..." Said Groose "Then does that mean you confess to cheating before the great **Headmaster Gaepora?** "

Groose then pointed behind Link.

Link worriedly turned around to see... nobody there and to hear the three bullies laughing at him.

While Cawlin and Strich were still laughing, Groose continued "Your mom should have named you... **GULLIBLE** , like it says on your _name tag._ "

"Yeah whatever..." Link said, not falling for that one, even though his name tag actually DID say that.

"So where's your GIRLFRIEND?" Groose questioned.

Not wanting anyone to know about Zelda's death, Link had to swallow his pride on this one.

"She uh... Didn't show up."

"Hah! she stood him up!" Cawlin laughed.

"Maybe if you got yourself a better haircut like mine, you'd have some better luck." Said Groose who then realized he was late for his hourly combing.

"I don't need hair like that... I don't have anything I need to compensate for." Joked Link, trying WAY too hard to get one over his rival.

" **Hey!** You lay off my 'do right now! Everyone knows I got the slickest pompadour in town!" Shouted Groose, heroically rushing to the aid for his superior hair.

"Oh my gods, I am SO sorry, I have no idea where that came from!" Link quickly apologized, realizing he went way too far.

"Very well, but there is still a price to pay." Groose fairly decided.

**POW!**

Groose delivered five fingers of sweet retribution to Link's smart mouth, sending him flying across the town. Cawlin and Strich applauded.

"That'll teach you some manners."

* * *

**LATER THAT DAY**

_As Groose and his bros were settling in for the night, Link came hobbling back to the dorm, barely conscious due to massive head trauma. Questions were staring to raise about Zelda, who hadn't been seen since the ceremony and Groose was noticing. Seeing Link come in, Groose decided to get to the bottom of it.  
_

"Mornin', shrimp. Oh wait, it's night time now. That's what happens when sleep all day... like a loser!" Said Groose, once again looming over the little geek.

"Fuuuuggooofff Gooos..." Was all Link could muster.

"Dizzy there? perhaps I've punched you TOO hard back there. I can't help it with these bulging muscles after all!" Groose said as he struck that pose the would even impress Link.

But Link wasn't in the mood, so he continued back to his room. Swift as a river, Groose cut him off and was once again in front of him.

"Going somewhere? I didn't dismiss you. Where is Zelda?!"

"Uhhhh..." Link was getting a little nervous now.

"You better not have done something to her!" Groose stated as he left the dorm to search for Zelda.

* * *

_Groose was heroically soaring around the sky, stopping at any island he could find, searching for his woman. He eventually stopped for a short while for his hourly hair maintenance. After all, having such a sick pompadour required not only work and love, but also time._

He froze in shock, and nearly dropped his expensive comb on the filthy ground, when he saw a blue apparition appear before him.

"Greetings, oh handsome one. I am called Fi."

Groose was shocked, the creature was speaking in gibberish, yet he still somehow understood it.

"I am a humanoid representation of the Goddess Sword, a sword that is meant to be wielded by one named Link. Do you know of him? I am in a hurry to find him."

"Why yes I do, but what would you want with a dork like him?" Asked Groose.

"He is destined to use the Goddess Sword in his quest to slay the demon king called Demise. I can't seem to locate him."

Groose was baffled, who would give such an assignment to someone that has to be reminded to blink?

"Hah, you're wasting your time there. This Link you're looking for... is a moron. He just sleeps all day, and he can't even take a punch." Groose informed, proudly remembering that Super Duper Don't Talk Smack About My Hair Fist of Fury.

"Perhaps we speak of different Links?" Fi reasoned, hoping what Groose said wasn't true.

"I doubt it, there's no one else around here with a name like that. Who even calls their boy Link anyway? Maybe his mom meant to call him **STINK**." Groose joked, though disappointed to waste his best Link insult on someone other than Zelda.

"Umm... in any case, I am in need of a hero immediately. You seem able bodied, perhaps you could come with me?" Fi asked, wondering why in the world she was sent to find someone with such a poor description.

"Me? a hero? I already AM one, sweetheart. But I suppose I could squeeze you into my schedule." Groose boasted.

Fi was impressed. "Excellent, perhaps I could even assist you in your endeavors. But for now, please come with with me."

_So the new duo departed to the Statue of the Goddess where Groose was to receive his new awesome weapon._

* * *

** MEANWHILE... **

_Link was awakened by a knock on his door. Shaking the pain in his head, he walked to the door to find Pipit._

"Good evening Link, is a bad time?" Pipit asked.

Link pointed to the clock that read 1:11 AM. "Yes, it is."

But Pipit didn't quite understand why midnight isn't a good time to bother people and got a little suspicious.

"Ah, I see. But I wish speak to you about Zelda in the morning, so here is my card."

With that, Pipit left. Link decided to actually read the card before throwing it out. It simply read _"_ _ **SPESHAL OCCIFER AGINT DETEKTIV PIPPIN. CAL ME**_ _"_

Link's heart skipped a beat.

_(Shit, they're already on to me!)_

_Everyone else in the Academy had gotten Pipit's card too, except they didn't know what it was about._

* * *

**STATUE OF THE GODDESS  
**

_Groose and Fi arrived inside the Statue. Within it was a sword that didn't really look that impressive, but Groose took it anyway. He held it high and shouted..._

**"I HAVE THE POWEEEEEEEEEER!"**

Fi waited for him to settle down and began to explain.

"Master, since you have accepted this mission. My duty now is to guide you on your journey to fight evil. And when I say "evil" I mean a figure that the goddesses simply don't agree with."

"Where do we start?" Groose said, ready for some ass kicking.

"We will begin on the world below yours. A desolate world of many dangers. An evil demon named Ghirahim who plans to unleash the Demon King Demise is down there."

Groose quickly lost interest and closed the deal with "Ehh, how about we just do it tomorrow?"

"Very well."

_Groose then left for home, intending to go right to bed, even after only about five minutes, being a hero really takes it out of you._

* * *

**THE NEXT MORNING**

_Groose woke up to the sunrise and flexed his muscles. He decided he would have eggs and sausage this morning and left to go find himself a pig since real men make their own meat. Only to be interrupted by Fi, whom he had almost forgotten about._

"I do not intend to rush you master, but it is best we depart as soon as you are able."

"Yeah yeah, I'm hunting for my breakfast, woman." A startled Groose replied.

"You left the Goddess Sword in your room, perhaps it could help you?" Fi tried to helpfully add.

"A REAL man relies on one thing, **his bare hands**." Said Groose, striking a dashing pose. Once again, Fi was impressed.

As Groose said this, Cawlin and Strich approached him.

"Sup Groose, who's the lady?" Asked Cawlin.

"This is my servant, Fi." Groose said proudly.

"Hmmm... what _KIND_ of servant?" Strich suggestively asked.

Cringing at the way Strich said that, Fi responded "I am assigned to assist Master Groose in his journey. He is to defeat evil using the Goddess Sword."

"An adventure?"

"Without us?!"

Cawlin and Strich were _offended_ to think that Groose would embark on an awesome journey without his comrades.

"Of course not. We're gonna go down there and kick some demon's ass! AND find Zelda." Groose said, striking a dashing pose once more.

"Zelda?" Questioned Fi.

"My girl. She went AWOL yesterday." Groose said, pumping his fists.

"I can locate her..." Said Fi as she used her dousing ability.

...

"...I sense her presence way down below!"

"We shall rescue her! **ONWARD**... or downward." Declared Groose, striking another dashing pose.

"How can we reach this world below ours? Your Loftwing can't carry all three of us." Said Strich, finally addressing the issue.

"Don't you have your own?" A confused Groose asked.

"Mine got impounded."

"Mine got repoed."

"Hmm... then we'll have to have a word with Link. I'd say he owes it to us!" Groose said thoughtfully as he struck yet another dashing pose.

_So the four departed to find Link.  
_

* * *

_Link was being held at Pipit's house for interrogation, except..._

"Don't play games with me, mister! See, when I get a feeling about someone, **I'm usually right**. And I got a _baaad_ feeling about you, son. So I suggest you play ball!" Pipit demanded as he shone a flashlight in the suspect's face.

Pipit's Mom could only stare at him in confusion until she finally pointed behind him. Pipit realized he was questioning his mom the whole time and Link was behind him.

"So... you thought you could pull one on me, eh?"

Groose and the gang bursted into Pipit's house, ready for one badass rescue mission.

"We're bustin' ya out, Link!"

Strich threw a smoke grenade into the house, blinding Pipit long enough for Link to escape with the others. The smoke cleared, and...

"He's fleeing the interview! HE'S FLEEING THE INTERVIEW!" A panicking Pipit shouted as he darted out the door.

* * *

_The five we're then tearing like Hell across Skyloft._

"What's this about?" Demanded Link.

"We need your help, Link. We need your Loftwing to-"

And then they heard it.

**WEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO**

Pipit was not far behind them, giving chase and making his own siren noises.

"Oh damn, he's gaining on us!" Shouted Cawlin as he pulled out a gun.

Cawlin aimed for and shot at at Pipit's feet. Pipit ran in a serpentine pattern and flew right into a tree. Making tire screech noises the whole way.

"Woot!"

**WEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOO**

But just then, a whole squad of Pipit clones came out from all over, intending to close in on the suspects. Having no other choice, our heroes jumped off the ledge, Groose and Link intended to call their Loftwings, but then realized they forgot their whistle things that summon them.

"Oh shit!"

And there they were, plummeting towards certain doom below. How will they get out of this jam? Will it be some previous event coming back to work in their favor? or will it just be some contrived deus ex machina? Probably the latter.


	2. Chapter 2

** CHAPTER 2 BEGIN!  
**

_We rejoin our heroes as they fall from Skyloft after having evaded Pipit. It seemed hopeless, the team was falling to their early demise. Cawlin, Strich, and Link were saying prayers, making amends with the gods, but Groose toughly braced for impact. The ground was only two short miles away._

_Is this the end of our heroes? Is this short story coming to an abrupt end? Well you're only at the top of a long page, so probably not!_

Cawlin's life flashed before his eyes...

* * *

**CAWLIN'S FLASHBACK**

Cawlin lived on Skyloft his whole life. He was born in the back of a carriage. When Dr. Beedle first saw him, he told the parents that the baby would not survive the next hour.

Well he didn't. The Cawlin we all know is actually a _clone_ that somehow remembered the original dead one's birth.

Cawlin enrolled in the Knight's Academy in hopes that the training would help him shed his body weight, but right at the start he was being trained for a do-nothing desk job where he would eat too many donuts. There, he was made fun of quite often for his weight and soft appearance, even by his crush, Karane. After a while of this, he soon met the new kid that everyone was talking about; Groose. Groose took pity on Cawlin and gave him protection from the torment of his peers.

Nobody dared to even _look_ at Cawlin the wrong way again.

* * *

**ANYWAY...**

Back to the fall, while Link and Cawlin were confessing their love for each other...

"Hey I want a flashback too!"

_Well... okay sure, but make it quick._

**STRICH'S FLASHBACK**

At a young age, Strich was playing in his backyard as his mom and dad were arguing and throwing dishes at each other. Strich was eating bugs, his favorite being the Gold Skulltula, known for causing developmental disorders is consumed by a child.

Just then, a BIG Gold Skulltula came out and attacked.'

"AHHHH SAVE ME HERCULES!" Strich cried, frightened by this aggressor and saw his life flash before his eyes...

**FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK**

_What? no. Back to your flashback, hurry up._

Anyway, just before Strich was eaten, the creature was squished by a huge figure.

It wasn't Hercules, but it was something much better.

It was Groose.

Strich pledged his loyalty to Groose ever since.

* * *

**AH, WHY NOT?**

The narrator was your average greasy, pimple popping nerd that preferred anime over human contact. When he turned 30, his parents finally got tired of him taking advantage of them and kicked him out of the house. He couldn't find a job until he saw an ad asking for a narrator. The pay was $2 an hour and he was given a dog house to sleep in.

He then began contemplating suicide.

* * *

**OKAY, BACK TO THE FALL. SORRY LINK, WE DON'T HAVE TIME**

The group finally collided with the ground, the sudden stop leaving them broken and mangled. Not Groose and Fi, however.

In all his toughness, Groose only suffered a bump on the elbow. On the other hand, Fi simply floated down the whole way.

"That hurt." Groose said casually.

"Master." Fi began. "I'm glad to seed you are unharmed, I thought for sure this would be the end of you."

"Hah" Groose shrugged, as if surviving a drop from such a height was to be expected.

"But what about your friends?" Fi said, pointing to Groose's fallen allies. She could have sworn that Strich was dead.

"Hmm... I suppose they weren't man enough. I'll have to work my magic."

After several hours of CPR and five minutes of duct tape surgery, Groose had all of his friends back on their feet.

"PRAISE BE TO GROOSE" They proclaimed as they knealt before him.

Groose didn't notice as he was busy fixing his hair. They were lucky he didn't make his pompadour his _first_ priority.

Fi Looked at Link, noticing he seemed oddly familiar.

"Excuse me." She finally asked. "Seeing as we are all working together, may I ask for your names?"

"Cawlin"

"I... I don't know..." Strich replied, obviously having hit the ground too hard.

"Link"

Fi was confused, especially since the question was more directed to the others.

"But your name tag reads 'gullible...'"

" **WHAT?** "

Link finally checked his shirt, realizing it did indeed say that.

"Since when?!"

Groose, finally seeing the fruits of his efforts, informed him "I replaced your name tag **YEARS** ago!"

"So your name is indeed Link then?" Fi asked.

"Yes, it is."

"I see... You may come along if you wish, but remember; we can not afford to carry any dead weight." She said in a dismissive tone.

"...what?"

_And so the five departed to begin the great search._

* * *

** MEANWHILE, BACK ON SKYLOFT...  
**

_Pipit was briefing his army on the new agenda._

"Alright ladies, we got five suspects here. One being our boy Link, and four others who aided his escape. They have been identified earlier, but I forgot their names. So, we're gonna go down there capture Link, as well as anyone who might be with him. **DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?** "

_No response came since the whole Pipit army was saying the exact same thing._

* * *

**BACK TO GROOSE**

_Groose was surveying the new land he found himself in. We all knew it was coming, so ready or not..._

"I'll call it... **GROOSELAND!** " He shouted, awaiting approval.

"Master, if you wish to claim this land as your own, you must rid of the evil force that now occupies it." Said Fi.

"I see..." said Groose thoughtfully. "Then that will be our _second_ priority."

"What's our _first?_ "

"We are going to rescue Zelda!" Groose said in that beautiful heroic tone.

"Uhh... she would definitely NOT be down here." Said Link hoping to derail this plan.

"Actually... I sense her presence not far from here" Said Fi with her dousing ability on again. "She is to the West."

"ONWARD!" Groose shouted.

The team pressed on to the West, Fi leading the way. They entered a huge forest called the **Faron Woods**. They knew this because they were inexplicably stopped in their tracks to view a series of establishing shots with a title reading Faron Woods appearing out of nowhere.

"That was weird..."

As they continued deeper into the trees, they noticed the area was strangely devoid of life; no sounds of birds, rodents, or any other type of creature. This seemed a bad sign, but Groose was not willing to turned back. They remained quiet, listening carefully for any signs of danger.

"Hey I need to take a piss." Link broke the silence with.

"We're not waiting on you, shrimp." Groose replied, not wanting to waste valuable time.

Link stayed behind a tree and waited until the group was out of sight. He took down a parallel path to get ahead of them. He had to find that body. Fast.

* * *

Link searched for Zelda relentlessly, he could not see Skyloft from below, so he couldn't make an educated guess as to where she landed... or where _he_ was, for that matter.

He began to prepare his story: "She was depressed, she could take it anymore, so she jumped! He was there when it happened and saw the whole thing, but he was too late. He couldn't tell anyone, he just didn't have the heart to bear such news."

_(Or maybe I can "disprove" I was the last one to see her?)_

As he was preparing his responses for every single question he could be asked, he realized something... Pipit wasn't known for being very reasonable, and he especially _wouldn't_ be willing to listen to words after Link had evaded arrest that morning.

While he was thinking, he didn't notice a tall skinny looking demon thing standing before him until he was rather uncomfortably close to it. Link looked up in surprise.

"Hello." It began. "My name is Ghirahim. You must be Link."

"Umm, do I know you?" Link said, not in the mood for whatever the demon wanted.

"Don't you remember me? I'm your pediatrician. You haven't visited me in a long time."

Link didn't remember ever seeing a doctor in his life.

"Umm, I'm not in need of a check up." Said Link, trying to continue his search.

"I see..." Said Ghirahim, as he disappointedly put his glove away.

Link walked away, but then got an idea...

"Hey" He said. "Have you seen a girl's body- uh... a girl around here?"

"Why yes I have! My super demonic powers led me right to her. It was Zelda, Princess of Destiny. I took her to my master." Said Ghirahim, striking a fab pose.

Link was a little worried now. "Uh, was he mad about her being dead?"

"And just how do _YOU_ know that?" Said Ghirahim jokingly.

Link shot up. "Duh... uh-uh-uh I-I just figured she was, seeing as she fell from such a height..."

"Now then, I suppose you'll want to see your friend now?" Ghirahim said, motioning Link to follow him.

* * *

**BACK TO GROOSE**

After miles of hiking through the forest, the group started to get tired... except Groose, of course. Cawlin passed out on the ground, but the remaining three carried on without him.

"How much farther, Fi?" Groose said, starting to get bored.

"Not much farther, master, we may want to speed up if we are to find her anytime soon. But that would mean we would have to leave Cawlin behind."

Serious moral questioning time. What was more important to Groose? Finding his reluctant girlfriend? Or his two best friends that he has always been there for? He had to think quickly though, Zelda was in danger and Cawlin was gasping for air. He had to chose it, so he did. He was flying solo... or, unless you count Fi, duo.

"Strich!" He called. "Stay behind and help Cawlin, I gotta do this alone... or... with Fi."

"Hmm, I guess my name is Strich then, but... who's Cawlin?" Strich asked, still suffering memory loss.

"Excellent!" Not wasting a further moment, Groose dashed forward faster than Usain Bolt, ready to strike down anything in his way, even if it was Zelda. After about half a mile, Groose and Fi finally reached some sort of temple looking place. Groose was ready to go in and kick ass until...

"Master, draw the Goddess Sword. For only _it_ can cut down the evils waiting ahead." Fi suddenly said.

Groose froze. He realized he left it in his new sword in his room that morning!

He thought for a moment and finally said: "Umm... Fi? Is it possible to go back to Skyloft? I kinda left the sword back at home..."

Fi was surprised, but knew what to do. "Yes master, all you must do is use a Bird Statue. There is one near the entrance of the temple before us."

Groose could already see it, so he dashed towards it and...

" _Ye who hold the sacred sword, leave proof of our encounter._ "

"Wrong one, over there!"

Groose went on to the OTHER bird statue, but... **HE WALKED INTO AN AMBUSH!**

_Thousands, or hundreds, or... only_ _**two** _ _Bokoblins?! there's supposed to be... what do mean we fired the others?! You were the one freaking out that day we only had half of them because the others had jury duty._

_As I as arguing with the director, Groose fought the two Bokoblins._

"Master, be careful!"

With one swift jumping kick, Groose knocked their heads clean off, resulting in seemingly infinite amounts of blood spraying out of the now headless 'blins.

Groose returned his attention to the statue, using it, he found himself back in the sky. Even though he forgot his calling whistle, his Loftwing, who sported a well groomed pompadour like that of it's master, happened to be right there and caught Groose. They saw Skyloft in the distance and headed towards it, Groose was frustrated that he had to suffer yet another setback.

Suddenly, a whole flock of Loftwings appeared behind him, and he heard it again...

**WEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOO**


	3. Chapter 3

We rejoin Groose and his trusty Loftwing in the vast skies of... well, the sky. The course wind blew against his face, but fortunately he never forgets his anti-wind pompadour hairgel. He was being chased by the Pipit squadron, who intended to detain him for his assistance in Link's escape.

**WEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO**

As they shouted their self-made sirens, Groose had an idea. With the "police" gaining on him, he steered his Loftwing into... **AN ASTEROID BELT!** Well, not like the _real_ ones where there's a 1/1,000,000 chance you'll even hit anything, it actually was more like a cluster of islands that were a little TOO close together. Then again, I guess it wasn't really an asteroid belt after all...

With excellent skill and composure, Groose finessed between the islands. The Pipits however, weren't capable of such clean maneuvers and in their blind rushing, crashed into the large structures and... exploded.

After losing the Pipits, Groose was back into the open sky. All of them were gone except the original, who was the only one smart enough to fly **over** the island cluster.

" **STOP RIGHT THERE!** " Pipit should over the loudspeaker. " **WE ARE THE LAW!** "

Groose ignored him though, looking for a place to stay hidden.

" **FIRST WARNING!** " Pipit again shouted.

Groose then found it. A small island, not far from Skyloft, called _Pumpkin Landing_. It was his best chance to avoid the lunatic chasing after him.

Groose abandoned his Loftwing and dove for the small patch of solid ground. Like before, he required no parachute and landed with a sick action roll. Pipit, on the other hand...

Pipit dove his Loftwing straight towards Groose.

" **SECOND WARNING** " he shouted.

Groose dodged Pipit at the last second, sending Pipit crashing into the Lumpy Pumpkin, destroying the bar.

"Well, I hope the insurance company covers reckless DIVERS!" Groose said raising his hand for a high five.

As the survivors ran out to deliver that well earned high five, some were missing their arms, so they made do with any other remaining appendages they had. The owner, however, was pretty angry.

"DAMN IT, DAMN IT ALL! WHO DID THIS! WHO THE HELL DID THIS! MY BAR!"

While Groose was still occupied by the line of high fivers, Fi approached the disgruntled bartender to explain.

"We apologize, sir. We were pursued at high speed by one who calls himself Pipit." Fi said.

The bartender immediately calmed down, as if something like this had happened before.

"I see... well at least he didn't break my new chandelier, it was more expensive than any other part of my bar combined. I still have 40 payments left to go..."

After Groose had finished, he pulled out his whistle to summon his Loftwing again.

" **Hold it right there.** " The bartender shouted. "Since you had a part in this, I'd like you to do something for me... can you take the survivors to the hospital?"

Groose looked around, even though all of the Lumpy Pumpkin's patrons had gotten up to congratulate him for his excellent pun, they were all in pretty bad shape, most of them were by then dead.

"I suppose..." Groose said reluctantly, while he was annoyed that yet another distraction had occurred, he knew his heroic duties had to come first.

So one by one, Groose flew all of the injured patrons to the nearest facility of medical assistance; an ordeal that could have been avoided if **any** of the 20 people present had remembered to bring their phone. Once everyone was gone, Pipit rose from the rubble.

" **THAT'S IT, I'M COMING TO GET YOU NOW, BUSTER!** "

* * *

**FARON WOODS**

Strich and Cawlin were lost and wandering though the forest until they came across something odd: a tribe of little wood people called the Kikwi.

Cawlin and Strich made their presence known.

"Attention! You all live on ground that now belongs to Emperor Groose!"

Most of them stared in confusion until one spoke out.

"We do not adhere to the politics of man."

Cawlin and Strich then drew swords that they found on some dead guys.

"Then prepare to be ruled by force!"

* * *

**GHIRAHIM'S SECRET LAIR**

Link followed Ghirahim into a cave, fearing what may be shown to him. He felt a combination of claustrophobia from the dark, narrow passages and discomfort from the fact the Ghirahim was dancing the whole way.

"We found Zelda on the ground in the Faron Woods and brought her here." Ghirahim said.

"Was um... was she okay...?"

"Well, she was _alive_ , but not what I would call okay. I don't know why, but my master wanted me to bring her to his chambers; he always leaves me in the dark..." The demon said in a quandary.

Getting the idea that Ghirahim wouldn't really care what he did, Link decided to just get to the point.

"Are you going to let her go? Please don't, she'll testify against me!"

"Probably not." Ghirahim stated. "I don't see her waking up anytime soon, and my master doesn't usually let people out once they are captured."

Relieved, Link decided to just get out of there. Who cares what happens to Zelda? as long as she's not around anymore, he was cool with it.

"So, now that I umm... _know she's okay_ , I think I'll be heading off then."

"Not just yet," Ghirahim interrupted. "I have an offer you may be interested in."

* * *

**BACK TO GROOSE**

After finishing the emergency transport, Groose and Fi were finally able to return to Groose's dorm and get the Goddess Sword back. Pipit was not in sight, so it seemed that it was finally time to get on with the mission already. But then...

"Well, I'd say it's been a day, how's about we turn in for the night?"

"Very well, master. Let us hope there will be no further delays tomorrow."

Just then, Headmaster Kaepora himself showed up.

" **Link!** " He called out. "You, Groose, Cawlin, and Strich were absent today."

"We were searching for Zelda." Groose explained.

"Who?"

"Umm... nevermind..." Groose remembered that Kaepora had gone senile long ago.

"Anyway, do you know why I am here?"

"No." Groose said, not really wanting to know.

"You, Link, Strich, and Groose were absent yesterday." Kaepora said, not remembering saying it the first time.

Groose then got an idea to get the old man off his back.

"No we weren't, we were there."

"Were you?" Kaepora asked, halfway convinced already.

"Yeah, check the attendance records, Hector, Francesco, Tony, Nikolai, we were all there."

Kaepora took a look at the list and...

"Ah, I see. Your names are right here. Sorry to have bothered you." Said Kaepora as he walked away, probably not knowing where where he was going.

Groose sighed in relief; actually bothering to remember his classmates' names had finally paid off!

As Groose finally went to bed, Fi and asked him. "Master, while you sleep. Perhaps I could spend the time searching for your allies and ensure they are not in trouble?"

"Yeah sure." Groose said dismissively; people interrupting his _mission_ was one thing but his _beauty sleep_?!

"Very well. Goodnight." Said Fi as she left his room.

Fi floated out of the academy, thinking out loud.

"Hmm, the last time I saw Master's friends was in the Faron Woods, perhaps I can use dousing to track them."

But little did she know that someone was following her.  
It was Pipit.

"Yes. Show me right to them!" Giggled Pipit.

* * *

**THE NEXT MORNING**

Cawlin and Strich fought hard and strong, but without their leader, they did not prevail.  
The two were tied to the trees, awaiting judgement. The Kikwi's big fat I'm-not-a-deku-tree-ripoff patriarch finally waddled towards them. His name was Bucha.

"You!" he demanded. "How dare you violate our sacred land."

Cawlin and Strich were not intimidated, they stood their ground.

"We will take your Forest in the name of **Groose.** Harm us, and you answer to him!"

Bucha was unmoved, but slightly unnerved at the sound of such an awesome name. But if this Groose was a real threat, he would not have sent his two lackeys to do his dirty work for him.

"Bring me the Execution Sword." Bucha demanded.

"It's right in front of you." His second in command Machi reminded.

"Uhh... can you hand it to me?" Bucha asked, being too fat and lazy to bend over and get it.

"He comes..." Strich ominously said.

"Who comes? your master?"

"More like, future emperor, as well as yours!" Called a confident voice.

The Kikwi all turned around to see _him_ standing over a rock, the morning sun shining right behind him, the wind blowing against his side burns, but his pompadour standing strong against it. Midna even came along today to blow the trumpet since Fi was absent.

"Are you the one called Groose? The fool who intends to take our holy forest?" Bucha demanded.

"Yes." Groose said as he raised the Goddess Sword.

"You can't be that foolish! Even with a sword, you are still one against many! You can never overtake us!"

"That's where you're wrong... I AM that foolish!" Groose declared as he dashed into battle, intending to take them all at once.

"Seize him!" Bucha shouted, again to fat and lazy to do it himself.

All the Kikwi responded and joined together to form... **KIKWITRON!** With Machi at the top, he steered the Kiwi robot towards Groose and Midna, intending to crush them.

"Well, I suppose you can handle this without me, so I'll be going. Hee hee hee, see you later!" Midna said, abandoning Groose.

"That I can surely do!" Groose said proudly.

Groose threw the extra weight (the Goddess Sword) away, and ran towards the fight, intending take down Kikwitron with his bare hands.


	4. 4

_We join Groose as he is moments away from facing Kikwitron. They've just been staring at each other and grunting for the last few minutes, so hang on, they'll start any minute now._

"rrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRAAAA **AAAAAAAGGGGG _GGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!..._** "

Groose was powering up. Lightning bolts shot from his body as he cried out from the core of his soul, tapping into the power of his ancestors. It was getting real... until he noticed it was such a fine day out. A fine day for...

"Who's up for some golf?"

_What? seriously?! Groose, you need to deal with- ah hell, I'm in. I wanna try out my new sand wedge anyway._

As Groose and I were playing golf, Kikwitron stood in confusion... and in _awe_ at Groose's amazing drive. While I was fishing my ball out of the water, Groose took his next swing...

***WHACK!***

...straight at Machi who had been off guard.

Machi fell off the top of Kikwitron, leaving the formation headless and out of control. Unable to receive any commands from the top, the cluster of confused Kikwi then formed a ball, rolling towards Groose, ready to crush him.

It was just then that Midna reappeared.

"Ugh... do I HAVE to do everything for you?"

Midna was too distracted with her complaining to notice that she was in Kikwitron's path and was thus crushed like a college student's dreams. Groose was prepared, though. He reached out, and with his amazing strength, slowed the mass to a stop and tossed it aside. Kikwitron broke up when it hit the cliffside.

Bucha then sprung into action.

"This ends now!" He shouted.

Bucha entered a sumo wrestler stance. Unfortunately for him, Groose was a black belt in sumo wrestling and was by no means threatened. After a quick match, Groose toppled his opponent with rather disappointing ease. Bucha rose and admitted defeat.

"I yield! I yield! You have proven too powerful for us Kikwi..."

After retrieving his sword from the ground, Groose put it away for stylistic effect and turned to the fallen Kikwi.

"Arise, those of you who are still able, you will now hear from your new master!"

Groose noticed that only about ten of them got up, the rest were still unconscious from the impact.

"Ah, well I wanted you to erect a statue in my honor, but that'll have to wait. For now, release my friends!"

Cawlin and Strich, now freed, once again bowed before Groose.

"Thank you, master. We are not strong without you!"

Midna then got up as well.

"Hee hee hee, did you think I died?" She giggled.

"Hmm, yes I did, actually." Said Groose, not really caring.

"Well, since I saved your friends for you, I will be your new master from now on. As my servant, you will collect the Fused Shadows for me, I won't tell you why unless you are useful to me..."

Midna kept going on, not noticing that the gang had already moved on.

* * *

**MEANWHILE...**

After informing Groose of Cawlin and Strich's location earlier that morning, Fi took off on her own to find Zelda before it was too late. A three hour search through the treacherous, war torn landscape came to an end when her trail led her to a rather inconspicuous looking cave. The only remarkable feature it sported was a nearby sign that read:

**"THIS IS GHIRAHIM'S LAIR. ANY FURTHER VANDALS WILL BE FORCED TO CLEAN UP ANY DAMAGES!"**

Feeling that such a penalty was not worth the laughs, Fi set her eggs and spray paint and strode for the entrance. Once she had crossed into the pitch black, Fi could feel the dark energy immediately intensify; it was a similar sensation to leaving the air conditioned comfort of your home and into a humid summer day. Along the way, she was startled by Link who was approaching from the darkness with an annoyed expression.

"Mr. Link!" She gasped "I am pleased to see you are okay! Please remain with the group from now on, you could have gotten injured in there!"

Link ignored her lecture and continued walking, only to stop in his tracks once he passed her.

"Do you know where the others are?" He plainly asked.

"Why yes, Master Groose is currently at the Kikwi Tribe's encampment. Though his business there should already be finished by now..."

With a faint grin, Link continued on his way for the exit.

"Wait Link," Fi called "I feel Zelda's presence in this cave, have you seen her?"

"Yes, she's fine-"

***BOOM!***

Before Fi could ask any other questions, a small section of the ceiling caved in, giving way for Pipit to fall through.

"I got you now, Link!" He exclaimed.

Fi and Link immediately kicked it into high gear as Pipit bolted in their direction. They were lucky that he ending up blocking the inner passage rather than the exit, allowing them to run into the openness of the well lit forest.

"Split up!" Link shouted as he made a hard turn to the right.

Getting the notion that the two were not going to be working together, Fi responded by flying _upwards_ , which only encouraged Pipit to focus his pursuit on Link.

"Uhhh... On second thought, we'd better stick together!"

With no other options left, Link continued running as fast as he could to evade the lunatic giving chase. He was already feeling like collapsing and passing out; even adrenaline rushing through him wasn't enough to stop him from slowing down due to pure exhaustion.

"I'm...not... telling you... anything... until I... speak... with my lawyer!" He shouted back to the ever closening sirens.

**"WWWWWEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOO"**

Pipit was barely at an arm's length away from his prey when the two reached a steep downhill grade. When all seemed lost for our hero, a sudden spark of inspiration gave him an idea.

( _By jove! A sudden spark of inspiration has given me an idea!)_

Link leaped to the side and grabbed onto a tree just as Pipt lunged forward, causing the maniac knight to miss his target and tumble down the hill and disappear into the foliage below.

" **WEEEOOOEEEOOO- OOF! WOOOOOOOAAAAAH!** "

Link watched until Pipit had rolled out of sight before he finally rested his back on the tree. When relief finally kicked in, Link felt as if his chest was being crushed by a hydraulic press. He never though he would be happy to see Fi as she descended from the canopy.

"Mr. Link!" She said "Are you injured?"

"I don't... *cough* think so..."

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, BUSTER!"

Our two heroes threw their hands into the air at the sight of Pipit returning, this time with a gun.

"WHO EVER GAVE THIS _FUCKING_ HALF-WIT A GUN!" Fi shouted, finally breaking her serene monotony.

With their celebration cut short, Link surrendered; he had already overworked his body twice recently, and he was _not_ prepared for a third chase.

"You're going away for a looooooooong time, pal. Aaaaaahahahahahahaaaaa..."

**WEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOEEEEEOOOOOOOO**

Like clockwork, sirens began blaring in the distance. ...except... in the distance?

"Uh-oh, it's the **REAL** Skyloft police!" Pipit gasped.

Two kyloft knights on Loftwings flew down on Pipit. One dismounted and restrained Pipit while the other calmly approached the confused second party.

"I'm sorry if this man was bothering you." He said. "See, Pipit has been harassing Skyloft citizens for _years_ , thinking he's one of us. But thanks to an incident at the Lumpy Pumpkin, we finally have the clearance we need to take him in."

" **NOOOOO! I'M NOT GOING BACK! I CAN'T GO BACK! NOOOOOO!** "

Fi and Link watched as the officers took Pipit away. After a while Fi broke the silence.

"I'll go find Zelda, inform the others as soon as you're able." She said as flew away.

* * *

** KIKWI FOREST **

Groose, Strich, and Cawlin were laying out the blueprints containing the dimensions and references necessary for their monuments. The statue of Groose was to be made of pure gold with rubies encrusting the pompadour while those of Cawlin and Strich were to be made with silver and brass. A fourth statue was to be constructed as well, but nobody knew whom it depicted; for it was to be made in the likeness of a ruler who has not yet come.

"Hey guys!" Called Link from the distance.

Link ran up to his three, erm... _friends_ once he spotted them. Cawlin ans Strich rolled their eyes while Groose looked on in pity; the little twink was struggling to breathe after only running about a race track's length.

"You shouldn't have been sleeping through PE, twerp." Said Groose "Now what's so important?"

Link took a moment to catch his breath. "You _know_ I have a heart condition, you dick." He then shot back.

Groose waited for his rival to finish collecting himself; patiently of course, since he was indeed aware of Link's handicap. In fact, he actually caught himself wondering if it was really okay to mock Link over a hereditary ailment. But then again when you make fun of this man's pompadour, it's anything goes.

"Anyway..." Link wheezed "When I got separated from you and the rest of the crew, I met this... guy in the woods. His name's Garo...Lynn or something like that. Well, he and his master are out to colonize this forest too."

"A competitor!" Groose exclaimed with fire in his eyes.

"Well here's the thing." Link continued "He wants us to all meet him in his cave; apparently, he's heard of your exploits and wants to do business with you."

"Doesn't sound like a trap, not at all." Strich cut in.

Groose motioned for Strich to be silent as he began to think; he was not expecting a rival, but was certainly relieved to see that his conquest of the Earth would not be so easy. With this new game changer in mind, the neurons in his brain moved rapidly as he carefully weighed his every option, as well as every possible outcome regarding his next decision. In the end, while he did understand Strich's concern, Groose made his choice.

"Then let us be on our way! Let's get this parlay... _underway!_ "

Link was a little shocked by Groose's quick response; it had only been about 2 seconds before he was leading the other three back to the cave from which he came.

* * *

** GHIRAHIM'S LAIR **

Fi was navigating through the dark corridors of Ghirahim's home. It was rather distastefully decorated; horrible placement of ornaments and furniture, clashing colors, and she was sure that Ghirahim couldn't make up his mind on which century this interior was supposed to resemble. She just _couldn't wait_ to hear him explain that it's supposed to be "ironic."

Once she reached what what seemed to be the inner sanctum, Fi came across Zelda's body, which was placed on an altar. As Fi suspected, Zelda was alive, but unconscious; it looked like a hasty healing spell had been done on her body in order to accelerate her recovery.

"What are you up to now, Ghirahim..." She muttered.

Fi then called upon the goddess Hylia herself, raising her hands into the air.

"Your Grace." Fi said "I have found Zelda, princess of Destiny. Our hero will be arriving to vanquish Ghirahim soon."

"Ugh, really?! I had to pause my show for **this?** "

Before she knew it, Fi was in the company of a tall, slender and radiant woman adorned with shining jewelry and smooth, wavy strawberry blond hair, which the goddess took much pride in. Her beautiful facade however, was tarnished by a very pissed off look on her unblemished face.

Fi remembered she wasn't supposed to contact Hylia during this time of the day; Hylia was always busy watching her angsty teen soap operas.

"Oh! Umm... my apologies, Your Grace, I-I must've misread the time-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever, just get it done." Hylia said, even more annoyed now.

As Hylia disappeared, Fi was left alone for a while to mutter cartoonish profanities to herself in the frustration one usually feels after speaking to their boss.

" _Warcha... Frikkah... Mrmph Mrmph..._ "

While our disgruntled heroine was occupied with her G-rated swearing, someone else had entered the room with her. Fi had nearly walked into her unexpected visitor by the time she noticed him.

"Hello stranger, I don't recall inviting you..."

Fi recognized him though. " **Ghirahim!** We meet again! And I must say, you have rather poor taste in decor."

Ghirahim was taken aback by such an impudent comment; After all, he was given a bachelor's degree in interior design and art theory at his local community college, what does _she_ know?

"It's SUPPOSED to be ironic." Ghirahim retaliated, making Fi cringe.

Just then, a disembodied voice called out...

**"HEY! WILL YOU SHUT UP DOWN THERE! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!"**

It was Demise, the Great King of Jerks himself. After being vanquished by Hylia, he managed to return to Hyrule. Of course, since he was undead, he didn't really need to sleep, he actually never did. Really he just needed an excuse to get a few hours of quiet time from his annoying minion.

"My apologies, master." Ghirahim said. "I've merely been dealing with this intruder who... Oh hey now that you're up, I need you to review our weekly balances! I'd do it myself, but I don't have the password to-"

Demise then started snoring, pretending to have gone back to sleep.

"Master? **_Maaaaaasteeeer wakey wakey!_** " Ghirahim sang, almost as if torturing his boss on purpose.

Records show that those who have survived Ghirahim's irritating chanting would say that such a screech could wake one up from a coma... because it just did.

_It woke Zelda._

_"Maaaaaaaassssssssteeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr"_

**"WILL YOU SHUT UP! I HAVE A MIGRAINE!"** Zelda screamed, clutching her head.

Fi rushed over to her. "Princess Zelda, thank goodness you are awake! Hurry, we must leave immediately!"

"Who the hell are you?!" Said Zelda.

"I'll explain later, but we must get out of here before-"

Unfortunately, it was too late. Ghirahim noticed their attempt to escape and teleported in front of them.

"You will not escape so easily! I have a purpose for you, Zelda." "As for you, Navi, you will die here!"

Ghirahim pulled off one of his rubber **Band-Nobody-Ever-Heard-Of** bracelets and fired it at Mach 10 right towards Fi, going straight through her chest and out. Fortunately, none of her vital organs were harmed, unless you count her heart, in which case she's screwed.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! RANDOM FAIRY GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLL!" Zelda screamed.


End file.
